ktbme

Here is a lovely little story about how to start acting like a real human being again. I do not mean a human being who pretends being someone who has it all together. Let’s all be honest, in our twenties and early thirties we do not have much together. In fact I am willing to bet you all out there, a years salary, we will not have it together until we are about forties/fifties. (You will not win, I have seen it first hand with the people who are at least fifteen to twenty-five years older than us.)

Go ahead and get mad at me, I am right and you are wrong, but this is why: we youngins do not the have know how to interact with each other or the know how to interact with ourselves.Every tragedy we have is like the most dramatic thing and the world has ended. We are a group of humans who get caught up in little everyday woes of sadness and ignore the rest of our lives till we try to fix them. We push people away and destroy relationships. We blame others and ignore the people who are kind. We want to fix or problems and worry about how this tragedy will affect us personally in the now moment, not realizing our affect others in the now or the long-term effects it can have on us in the future. These small or large-scale tragedies can ruin the future of how to do things properly.We all have our little tragedies. Whether the tragedy is a simple one of not having the perfect hair and not finding the perfect companion to spend the rest of our lives with. To the major tragedies of losing who you are or losing something you have devoted your life to.

The idea of being someone who does starts with one person, YOU! Even if it means finding you again. This is a daunting task. I also believe from dirt comes flowers, pretty ones. I have no idea in this wide world who said that wonderful phrase, but it is true. Without dirt there are no flowers. I have crawled through a lot of dirt I have created, and crawled through some being thrown into, each pile I try to emerge a prettier flower than I was before.

I was always the over-reacher underachiever. I would go into every situation with a full barrel and dump it within the first few months. Most stuff I did would have the guns blazing, then I’m done because my clip would empty. It was like going to Lake Tahoe in the middle of winter with just a jacket and hoping to keep all my toes and fingers. When taught most of your life we can win no matter what, so do it all and you can get a prize even of you are mediocre, does not get a person very far. It is wonderful in theory, but if we are not taught to fail how can we be taught to recover? It turned into a vicious spiraling toilet, never flushing and always circling. I always thought I would get a prize even though I was being mediocre or even worse failing. I started strong, beat myself up, and then gave up to a losing battle. Asking in the end, I do all this and I get nothing. I never once realized I was to blame. I never once saw three-fourths of the way through I just give up. I took my selfish attitude and felt I need to be rewarded for just doing what I did because I deserved it. I am entitled because I was doing everything. People should just reward me because I am me, and I am at least trying.

HELLLLOOO KT, so does everyone else. You brat, so does every single person in the world, they try. You cannot build fifty Roman empires at once, you can build a house, then a farm, then a city, then…You get the idea till it becomes an empire. Then I woke up. I do not deserve anything at all because I was not doing much to get anything at all. I then asked myself why was I being this way? Why did I want to be this way? I was a 185 pound, size twelve girl, working at a mundane job, going to school to be something I was not sure I wanted being. I expected fifty roman empires, but was not even building myself to be an empress. I started becoming overwhelmed and started giving up on me.

I was avoiding the fact I could not look in the mirror at me. I was the only person to blame. I caused this, not school, not my job, and not my parents (ok maybe a little my parents, but I was just trying to rebel against the past and fight what emotional pains they had caused me, but still this is only hurting me in the end.)

Every Action is your own. I made me 185 pounds. I would blame the clothing manufactures for not making clothing to fit me. I blamed my job and school for my constant anger at life and lack of self-respect. I was so set on ignoring the obvious, I lost myself and forgot who I was. So I wanted change. I went to my friends to try to change. The support was good at first the “ok cool,” were there, but after a few weeks it turned into the “I don’t feel like working out” or “I want to see my boyfriend” and my favorite “I’m to busy.”

The realization hit, I have to do this myself. Only me. Not another soul in this world would I depend on. So I went for it myself. If you do not think you can do this alone, then you are not ready to be a doer. You have to realize there will always be friends and family around, but most of the time, you are alone. Get over it. There is nothing scary about it, once you get past the realization. They are a support system, but only you can make things right within, and do. Only you can change your issues whatever they are. I went from 185 pounds and a size 12, to 130 pounds and a size 2. I stopped eating crap, I worked out, I ate better. This was my first do, and I did it alone. I went from the heavy girl with the cute face and pretty eyes, to the woman who is just sexy and beautiful. It was not easy and I was alone but I still did it, no help from anyone. It was not an easy task, it was all up hill, but I can claim it was all me. I can also brag about it when ever I want. I did not give up. This do started me on one simple journey, it was my first accomplishment. It still continues today. What is your first do? What will your first do be?